Christmas Discovery

I've discovered something new this Christmas.
No, it's not something entirely new.
In fact, it's quite old, but I've never truly discovered it before.

It's the lyrics to the Christmas carol, O Holy Night.

I've never actually been one for Christmas carols, but this year....this year was different. Now don't get me wrong, I love music in general and especially Christmas music, but I've never gotten into actually singing the old carols. Too often do I think we sing without hearing what it is that we're singing. It happens to me all the time. This year, however, I finally "heard" these lyrics and have been forever changed through them:

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth. That phrase has been constantly ringing in my ears the past few days. I can't help but wonder at the words...til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth...

I don't know, maybe its because I wasn't able to spend Christmas this year back home with my family, but this season, I've really been in a contemplative mood. This carol has especially stricken me at the heart and made me feel so incredibly loved...who am I that the God in heaven would see me as so valuable and worthy that He would send His only son to the earth for me? For me?

I had known before that the Lord loved me enough to send his son to be born and to die for me, but I've never quite seen it this way before. 'Til He appear'd and my soul felt its worth...

Do you feel it?

4 Hours 'Til Alarm [rings]

It's 2:29 in the morning and here I am again.

I'm lying awake while my roommate sleeps soundly down the hall.

Racing thoughts and a slightly uncomfortable stomachache keep me from getting any shuteye.

I'm wondering if there's a reason God keeps waking me up in the middle of the night or if I'm just slowly inheriting my father's habitual worrywart-ness. (Is that a word?)

Well, it is now.

Some clarity would be good, God.

Eternity

It's 12:42 am.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Tonight I am restless, overtaken by an all-consuming and unknown fervor. As I sit here on my bed, my back against the wall and my computer on my lap, I am struck by contemplation. God. Love. Eternity. Saving grace. Mercy beyond compare. What are these things? My mind races, trying to fill in the gaps left by my humanity. Why me, God? Why me? What love is this, I'm so unworthy to be called one of your own! My thoughts are sporadic, unconnected, distant. God glue me together! I'm a broken vessel, my mind a wandering and thirsty nomad in the desert. I need you, Father, I need you. You. Not him. Not her. Not me. You. No one but you. Touch my heart with your inspiration. Breathe in. Breathe out. Your breath, Lord, your breath. Your breath is what causes me to live. To live. TO LIVE! Lord who am I to be a living demonstration of your glory and power?
The house is quiet. My spirit—anything but still. When a mind is screaming, a quiet house is a thunderous hell. There is nothing to draw one's attention from the clamor of unsaid thoughts…

"From eternity to eternity I am God.
No one can snatch anyone out of my hand.
No one can undo what I have done." Isaiah 43:13

God speaks, the heart listens.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
The noise lessens. My breathing deepens.
There is nothing to fear. Trust in the Arms wrapped around you.
Peace.

One Year Ago Today

Last year on December 2nd, I went to the Casting Crowns/Leeland/John Waller concert from the "Altar and the Door" tour held at NIU's Convocation Center. I loved that concert--it was amazing-- and today I ran across a photo from it on my computer. This photo still gives me shivers.

During the song "Voice of Truth", Casting Crowns had an artist painting whatever it was that God inspired him to. This is what the Lord gave him.

Here's the lyrics to the song:

Oh,what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes/To climb out of this boat I'm in onto the crashing waves/To step out of my comfort zone/Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me/Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed/The waves they keep on telling me time and time again/"Boy, you'll never win,/you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story/the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"/and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"/Out of all the voices calling out to me/I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh, what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes/To stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone/Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor/Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me/Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed/The giant keeps on telling me time and time again/"Boy you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story/the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"/and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"/Out of all the voices calling out to me/I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground/and the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them looking down/I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me

But the voice of truth tells me a different story/The voice of truth says do not be afraid/And the voice of truth says this is for my glory/Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)/I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)/I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I will listen and believe/I will listen and believe the voice of truth/I will listen and believe/'Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth/And I will listen to you.. oh you are the voice of truth

Happy December 2nd, everybody.