It's funny how just a few short months can change you as a person, whether for the better or for the worse. I looked at my blog this evening and noticed that I haven't written anything since April....and then I seriously wondered if I have been mentally constipated or if I had been simply busy. Both are correct, but neither are completely true.
Since April, God has changed me as a person, and although it's been painful as of late, seeing His hand visibly move in my life is a comfort. The last time I saw His involvement in my life so drastically was last June when I first moved to Columbus. Everything lined up so perfectly, one thing after another, in just a few short months, that it was easy to see that it was His undeniable will for me to move here. This summer, although it hasn't been something as huge as moving to another state, He's changed the way I view my life as a single girl living on my own in a big city.
Let me start by saying how hard it is to be 21 and watch as friend after friend (28 to be exact) gets engaged or married. Let me also add that it's doubly hard to see that when you've never been kissed....or even on a date for that matter. You try not to compare yourself to everyone else or let it bother you, but nevertheless, you do anyways and end up wondering if there's something wrong with you. Your parents tell you "you're special!" and you hear things like "you're definitely a catch!" but it seems that nothing ever happens to prove it. I'm not saying this to throw a pity party, but I've talked to many girls, and it seems that this is a pretty common thing to deal with. I mean, it happened to me....heck it still happens to me....and I know I'm not the only one.
In May, it got too much to handle and I decided that I was going to assert my independence by setting up an online profile on a Christian dating site just for kicks and giggles. I wasn't looking for anything serious....for real....but if I'm really raw and brutally honest with myself, in truth I guess I was looking for someone to raise my self-esteem a few notches. I'm not going to pretend that there wasn't a part of me that extremely flattered whenever I was told "You're cute!" or "I really like what you wrote on your profile..." because there was. It made me feel valuable, in a shallow sort of way.
Looking back on it now when I really realize why I did what I did, it makes me sad. Growing up, I had a poster in my bedroom that said, "I'm not loved because I'm valuable, I'm valuable because I'm loved," and I lost sight of that fact. I lost sight of the fact that it's God's love that makes me valuable, not what I do, what I look like, how much money I make, whether or not I have a boyfriend...it's simply His love. It's in Him that I'm valuable and worth anything at all...without Him I'm nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
But what I didn't count on was finding a boy that blew me out of the water. This kid was so unlike anything that I would have expected. He was funny. He was sweet. He was thoughtful. And he was exactly like me! We hit it off right away, and began dating, but from a distance. He lives in Indy, I live in Columbus. Distance relationships that begin online are anything but easy, but we were determined to make it work. And it did...for awhile.
Don't get me wrong, he was an awesome guy. And when I say awesome, I mean it. He went above and beyond and there was seemingly no reason for me to break up with him. At least there wasn't on the surface. We made a few critical errors in our relationship that went ignored for awhile, but when we finally admitted they were there, it was too late to try and fix them mid-mess. I am going to mention a few simply for the hope of saving someone a heck of a lot of heartache...all of these things that I am about to mention I was previously warned about but ignored them and had to learn the the hard way. So please please PLEASE don't ignore these...trust me on this.
1. Set boundaries.
Once you set boundaries, stick to them. No matter how fun it is at the moment, the devastatingly powerful guilt trip afterwards is so not worth it. It ruins any "fun" you think you might have had. Save it for later, and I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about all of it. Make-out sessions can lead to other things if you're not careful. Thankfully, in my case, that didn't happen, but it definitely could have. Don't think you know when to stop. You can't take into account an ever-changing variable (passionate moments) so why give yourself the chance?
2. Keep God involved.
Don't just say He's "involved." You have to literally keep Him in the relationship. Pray together. Talk about what God's doing in your lives together. Debate spiritual issues (it helps you get to know each other!). Your relationship with God is a personal one yes, but grow together. It will only make you stronger. If not, you'll fall apart.
3. Don't neglect your other relationships.
Don't get so wrapped up in each other that you forget about your other friends! Not only will you end up with weaker (if not less!) friendships, it helps you balance. And getting multiple phone calls asking, "where the CRAP are you?!" are no fun either.
4. Keep your family involved.
This is an easy one: generally speaking, your parents know what they're talking about. Keep them in the loop. Don't think you know it all and go it alone...not speaking to your mom for 2.5 months because you're in an argument over "whether or not this relationship is in God's will for your life" is no good. And I speak from experience. Of course, in the end it's your life and no one can make decisions for you, but its definitely easier if your parents agree with big, sometimes life-altering, decisions in your life (and that's in regards to everything too, not just relationships.)
5. Be friends before boyfriend/girlfriend.
I never realized how important this is before now. If you meet, click, and immediately jump into relationship, you have no foundation of friendship to build on. And if you have no foundation, it makes for a very shaky relationship indeed. Just once deny yourself immediate gratification and take the time to get to know each other first. You'll kill two birds with one stone: you'll be developing self-control and you'll be developing a platform for a stronger and longer-lasting relationship at the same time. Doesn't sound like a bad thing either way.
6. If you have personal vows/promises/beliefs, stick to your guns.
Before getting into this relationship, I had made a vow to myself to not kiss any guy before I got married. I wanted my first kiss to be at the altar. Nobody pressured me into this, in fact, many people thought that I was crazy for making such a statement, but it was a personal thing. When I first got into this relationship, I told him my promise and he agreed to stick to it. But that lasted for about 2 weeks and then it happened. He apologized later for "stealing it" (his words) in a way, but it was also my fault. I could have stopped it, but I didn't. It was my fault too, and now its something that I regret. I'll never get it back. If you have personal vows, stick to your guns and don't give in. You'll thank yourself later.
7. Don't say the L-word until you absolutely mean it!
Once it starts, it doesn't stop. Don't say it until you absolutely mean it, and, although this sounds funny, PRAY ABOUT IT! It takes how you interact with each other to a whole new level.
8. Don't discuss marriage/family until you're ready to make that commitment.
People told me this before, but I didn't listen. Don't talk about it, even in jest. It's frightening later on when you think about it, and can be very overwhelming. You're not committing your lives to each other yet, so don't act like it.
(There are many more things I could say, but I'm going to stop there for now.)
Through this relationship, God has definitely changed the way I view my current life as a single girl. When you're in a relationship, everything changes. It takes more time, more effort, more money, more commitment, more everything. And even though you still have freedom, it's a very different kind. I've learned to value being single. I've learned to value my freedom. There's so much God can do with you when you're single and not tied down to a relationship, marriage, or family. That's not to say that he can't work with you when you are those things, but its in a different way. There are pros and cons to being single, but before now, I saw only cons. Now my eyes are opened to the pros, and my outlook has changed. Even though every day as I move forward from this summer love it's painful, I move forward in His grace and in the hope that the Lord will continue moving me and changing me into the person that I am to become.
I am continually thankful that he chooses the broken vessel with the most flaws to showcase His glory.
