breaking.

There was a reason why I was in band in high school and not in choir.

I can’t sing.

Well, I can, but not very well, anyways.

And I’m very aware of that fact.

Actually, I’m so aware of that fact that I try to wiggle out of doing worship at my small group pretty often.

And so far, I’ve been pretty successful.

Except here’s the problem: I’m running out of excuses.

See the problem isn’t that I can’t lead worship, it’s that I have a really hard time doing so…I’m really hard on myself. I’m the type of person that is very performance-driven, and prides themselves on doing well. It doesn’t help any that I have a performance background; even when I was growing up and in band, after concerts when my parents would congratulate me on a job well done, I couldn’t think of anything except the notes I missed, the out-of-tune parts in the song, the 4-count phrases I broke…

Now that I’m leading worship, I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not supposed to be striving for a job well done, I’m supposed to be helping others connect with God.

Wow, that’s definitely a pride issue.

I’m getting caught up in making myself feel good and not serving others….agh!

I’m so….so….well…

So human.

I have no qualms about playing an instrument. I can do that. I love doing that. It’s just the singing part that kills me.

Like last night for instance.

Last night I led worship for the first time in a couple months, and all things considered, it went pretty well, bearing in mind I’m trying to get over a cold, and my voice was shot to pieces.

Except for the fact that last night I laid awake in my bed beating myself up about it, replaying the entire situation in my mind… “You should have done this, you should have done that…why do you even try, Bethany? It’s so not even worth it…”

And then of course that leads to me comparing myself with other people.

My friend Travis last night said, “Some people who are terrible musicians turn out to be the most amazing worship leaders.”

Or something like that.

I just continue to pray that God would break me of this terrible characteristic…that he would show me that I can only go so far…

And it’s then that he will show up, take the reins, and bring the people in.