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Greeting: Hello 2010.

I know its a month late, but up until now, you haven't seemed too different from 2009.

Oh well. Hello anyways.

Moving on.

So a couple days ago I received a piece of mail from my mom that contained a page of info from David Wilkerson's newsletter about a place called Mount Zion International School of Ministry. My mom said that the Lord "prompted her to send this to me," and that I should do a bit of research and pray about it. Initially I was reluctant as I really have no desire to move again, but figured I should pray about it anyways. I really kind of want to just put down roots and grow where I am now; I have a great church, a great college ministry I'm plugged into, great friends, 2 jobs, etc....and I'm at that place now where I'm starting to feel like its time for me to start to settle down somewhat.

But then again, I never really wanted to move to Ohio in the first place.

So today I did some research on MZISoM, thought I'd give it a chance, but OH! dear.

The place sounds like a cult.

Not really, but it sounds like a serious Jesus bubble.

No cell phones. No computers. No cars. No dating. No seeing family except for immediate family weddings or family emergencies. Extensive dress code (skirts, blouses buttoned to the top, shirts that cover the hips to mid thigh, no sneakers, etc.) No shopping except once a month outings with the rest of the school. No jobs. No leaving the premises. KJV Bibles. (blech!!)

And that's just the beginning of it.

It sounds like Teen Missions' Boot Camp. Except of instead of being 3 months long, it's 3 years long.

Now don't get me wrong, I loved TMI. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But there's a big difference between 3 months and 3 years.

MZISoM says that they only take between 135-150 students a year to maintain the "family" atmosphere, but I seriously wonder if that's true or if that's just the amount of applications they receive.

Because it doesn't sound like a place that many students would want to attend.

Okay, so I'm making it sound like all thistles and thorns, but there is one good thing about it. The cost of tuition for the first year is only $2450.

I honestly want to just throw this thing out the window and be all "forget this God, whatever" but the thing about him prompting my mom to send it is stopping me in my tracks.

What if this is really what the Lord wants me to do? What if he is calling me to give up this freedom that I've come to enjoy and die to myself and my desires?

Damnit. Not again!

I hate this....I hate the fact that I can't just hate this thing and forget about it. I hate the fact that I can't do whatever I want and it be okay. This might be blasphemous, but sometimes I hate the fact that I answer to higher dude and it's my calling to do whatever the Dude wants me to.

No yes' or no's at this point, just a lot of maybes.

Did I mention I hate the word maybe?

needs to be tasted and seen.

It's 2:30 am here on a cold, dark Columbus morning. I can't seem to fall asleep tonight. Frustrated and weary on so many levels. Lyrics of a song from my favorite album keep running through and tripping over my mind...


My heart is broken, my spirit crushed
There is aching in these arms
to feel Your touch

Be near to me, be near to me
I will taste and see
that You are good, so good
Rescue me quickly, Lord hear my cry
I am reaching out my hands
my soul is dry...


Tears are running down my face as I write this. I'm not a cry-er so it's a little unnerving. But maybe that's a good thing. I guess when you're desperate enough emotions manifest.

so the adventure (minus AC) begins.

Yesterday evening a whole pack of friends came over to my apartment at Sterling Place to move me to my new place over in Clintonville near campus. My new roommates, Laura and Elisa, are awesome! However, all my stuff is piled up in the dining room/living room waiting to be taken upstairs because Lyndsie (the girl whose place I'm taking) isn't moving out until September 2nd. So right now, my mattress has been thrown on the floor and I'm becoming acquinted with the hardwood and black mold we have growing on one wall (thanks to the boys next door). I'll be happy once I can get my stuff upstairs and get situated (and once the mold is gone on Saturday).
I just hate living out of boxes (4th times a charm!) and feeling like I'm in the way...literally.

summer love.

It's funny how just a few short months can change you as a person, whether for the better or for the worse. I looked at my blog this evening and noticed that I haven't written anything since April....and then I seriously wondered if I have been mentally constipated or if I had been simply busy. Both are correct, but neither are completely true.

Since April, God has changed me as a person, and although it's been painful as of late, seeing His hand visibly move in my life is a comfort. The last time I saw His involvement in my life so drastically was last June when I first moved to Columbus. Everything lined up so perfectly, one thing after another, in just a few short months, that it was easy to see that it was His undeniable will for me to move here. This summer, although it hasn't been something as huge as moving to another state, He's changed the way I view my life as a single girl living on my own in a big city.

Let me start by saying how hard it is to be 21 and watch as friend after friend (28 to be exact) gets engaged or married. Let me also add that it's doubly hard to see that when you've never been kissed....or even on a date for that matter. You try not to compare yourself to everyone else or let it bother you, but nevertheless, you do anyways and end up wondering if there's something wrong with you. Your parents tell you "you're special!" and you hear things like "you're definitely a catch!" but it seems that nothing ever happens to prove it. I'm not saying this to throw a pity party, but I've talked to many girls, and it seems that this is a pretty common thing to deal with. I mean, it happened to me....heck it still happens to me....and I know I'm not the only one.

In May, it got too much to handle and I decided that I was going to assert my independence by setting up an online profile on a Christian dating site just for kicks and giggles. I wasn't looking for anything serious....for real....but if I'm really raw and brutally honest with myself, in truth I guess I was looking for someone to raise my self-esteem a few notches. I'm not going to pretend that there wasn't a part of me that extremely flattered whenever I was told "You're cute!" or "I really like what you wrote on your profile..." because there was. It made me feel valuable, in a shallow sort of way.

Looking back on it now when I really realize why I did what I did, it makes me sad. Growing up, I had a poster in my bedroom that said, "I'm not loved because I'm valuable, I'm valuable because I'm loved," and I lost sight of that fact. I lost sight of the fact that it's God's love that makes me valuable, not what I do, what I look like, how much money I make, whether or not I have a boyfriend...it's simply His love. It's in Him that I'm valuable and worth anything at all...without Him I'm nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

But what I didn't count on was finding a boy that blew me out of the water. This kid was so unlike anything that I would have expected. He was funny. He was sweet. He was thoughtful. And he was exactly like me! We hit it off right away, and began dating, but from a distance. He lives in Indy, I live in Columbus. Distance relationships that begin online are anything but easy, but we were determined to make it work. And it did...for awhile.

Don't get me wrong, he was an awesome guy. And when I say awesome, I mean it. He went above and beyond and there was seemingly no reason for me to break up with him. At least there wasn't on the surface. We made a few critical errors in our relationship that went ignored for awhile, but when we finally admitted they were there, it was too late to try and fix them mid-mess. I am going to mention a few simply for the hope of saving someone a heck of a lot of heartache...all of these things that I am about to mention I was previously warned about but ignored them and had to learn the the hard way. So please please PLEASE don't ignore these...trust me on this.

1. Set boundaries.
Once you set boundaries, stick to them. No matter how fun it is at the moment, the devastatingly powerful guilt trip afterwards is so not worth it. It ruins any "fun" you think you might have had. Save it for later, and I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about all of it. Make-out sessions can lead to other things if you're not careful. Thankfully, in my case, that didn't happen, but it definitely could have. Don't think you know when to stop. You can't take into account an ever-changing variable (passionate moments) so why give yourself the chance?

2. Keep God involved.
Don't just say He's "involved." You have to literally keep Him in the relationship. Pray together. Talk about what God's doing in your lives together. Debate spiritual issues (it helps you get to know each other!). Your relationship with God is a personal one yes, but grow together. It will only make you stronger. If not, you'll fall apart.

3. Don't neglect your other relationships.
Don't get so wrapped up in each other that you forget about your other friends! Not only will you end up with weaker (if not less!) friendships, it helps you balance. And getting multiple phone calls asking, "where the CRAP are you?!" are no fun either.

4. Keep your family involved.
This is an easy one: generally speaking, your parents know what they're talking about. Keep them in the loop. Don't think you know it all and go it alone...not speaking to your mom for 2.5 months because you're in an argument over "whether or not this relationship is in God's will for your life" is no good. And I speak from experience. Of course, in the end it's your life and no one can make decisions for you, but its definitely easier if your parents agree with big, sometimes life-altering, decisions in your life (and that's in regards to everything too, not just relationships.)

5. Be friends before boyfriend/girlfriend.
I never realized how important this is before now. If you meet, click, and immediately jump into relationship, you have no foundation of friendship to build on. And if you have no foundation, it makes for a very shaky relationship indeed. Just once deny yourself immediate gratification and take the time to get to know each other first. You'll kill two birds with one stone: you'll be developing self-control and you'll be developing a platform for a stronger and longer-lasting relationship at the same time. Doesn't sound like a bad thing either way.

6. If you have personal vows/promises/beliefs, stick to your guns.
Before getting into this relationship, I had made a vow to myself to not kiss any guy before I got married. I wanted my first kiss to be at the altar. Nobody pressured me into this, in fact, many people thought that I was crazy for making such a statement, but it was a personal thing. When I first got into this relationship, I told him my promise and he agreed to stick to it. But that lasted for about 2 weeks and then it happened. He apologized later for "stealing it" (his words) in a way, but it was also my fault. I could have stopped it, but I didn't. It was my fault too, and now its something that I regret. I'll never get it back. If you have personal vows, stick to your guns and don't give in. You'll thank yourself later.

7. Don't say the L-word until you absolutely mean it!
Once it starts, it doesn't stop. Don't say it until you absolutely mean it, and, although this sounds funny, PRAY ABOUT IT! It takes how you interact with each other to a whole new level.

8. Don't discuss marriage/family until you're ready to make that commitment.
People told me this before, but I didn't listen. Don't talk about it, even in jest. It's frightening later on when you think about it, and can be very overwhelming. You're not committing your lives to each other yet, so don't act like it.

(There are many more things I could say, but I'm going to stop there for now.)

Through this relationship, God has definitely changed the way I view my current life as a single girl. When you're in a relationship, everything changes. It takes more time, more effort, more money, more commitment, more everything. And even though you still have freedom, it's a very different kind. I've learned to value being single. I've learned to value my freedom. There's so much God can do with you when you're single and not tied down to a relationship, marriage, or family. That's not to say that he can't work with you when you are those things, but its in a different way. There are pros and cons to being single, but before now, I saw only cons. Now my eyes are opened to the pros, and my outlook has changed. Even though every day as I move forward from this summer love it's painful, I move forward in His grace and in the hope that the Lord will continue moving me and changing me into the person that I am to become.

I am continually thankful that he chooses the broken vessel with the most flaws to showcase His glory.

D: It is written.

I have watched the movie Slumdog Millionaire twice now, and each time I have seen it, I have walked away wiping tears from my cheeks. It is a fantastic movie, and if you haven't seen it yet, I beg you to. The basic storyline of the movie is that there is a young man named Jamal Malik who grew up in the slums of India that has now found himself on the Indian version of the gameshow "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?". He has answered all the questions, save for the final one, correctly thus far and is accused of cheating, so he is physically tortured in the police station to try and get him to confess to cheating. He won't, and therefore, takes the police officer (and you) on a journey through his life to explain just how he got all the answers. It is a heart-rending story of life, death, fear, narrow escape, abuse, love lost, love found, family ties, social justice, and hope. You need to watch this movie.

I recently bought a CD at the bookstore at church from CompassionArt (a great ministry, check it out here) and one of the quotes on the inside says "It's impossible to call ourselves worshippers and not be moved in the area of justice." I agree wholeheartedly. I think so often that we lose ourselves behind mirrored walls, or enclosed in a "comfort-bubble." It becomes all about us...our lives, our schedules, what's going on here in America. We forget that there's a whole other world out there thats suffering...but all we can think about is what we're going to eat next and when.

There's a scene in Slumdog that shows Jamal and his brother fleeing from Hindu radicals as they brutally knock their mother senseless and go on a killing spree all because they're Muslims. The camera moves to a shot of Jamal and Salim begging the policemen to do something (as you see buildings burning in the background) but the policemen tell the kids to "get lost, they're playing a game." As I sat there in the theatre watching this story unfold, all I could do is shake my head as the tears rolled down my cheeks and whisper, "this is so wrong."

This is so wrong. Why are we, as westerners, (and Christians of all things!) so consumed with ourselves? Even though this movie is fictional, the events and subplots are real. This kind of stuff goes on everyday, and we don't stop to look at it. We'd rather pretend it doesn't exist and go on with our day. Why is that? Why don't we do something? Aren't we obligated to? Aren't we our brother's keeper?

just a girl and her hummus

Today I was officially declared a "hummus addict" by this crazy Egyptian man named Nabil who works at the restaurant with me. He's great, I love him to pieces, and he makes awesome falafel. Yum. I then proceeded to go home after work today and make another batch of my homemade hummus so that I can take it with me to class tonight (and laugh as the other students stare at my bowl of garlicky goodness in jealousy. Haha.) There has been a couple people who have asked me for my recipe, and it's kind of hard to describe because its more of a "play as you go" kind of thing, but I will try and share the secret of my "white girl hummus" with ya'll. (I call it that because I can't make it nearly as good as Nabil or any real native can). Oh well, here goes!

Bethany's "white-girl" Hummus
2 16 oz. cans of garbanzo beans (aka chickpeas), drained and rinsed
2 tsp. minced garlic
2 Tbsp. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. salt
5 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil

Blend all ingredients together in a food processor or blender. Add additional olive oil to reach your desired consistency. Make sure you taste it before you call it "done" and add extra garlic, salt, etc. if you need to. Top with a little parsley flake, a little cumin, a little black pepper, cover and refrigerate for an hour or so. Serve with warm flatbread or pita.

Voila!
This tastes so much better than store-bought, and is so good for you too! Low fat, packed with fiber, and won't leave you feeling weighed down. I hate that feeling when something you eat "hits your stomach like a brick." This won't do that to you. That's part of the reason why I love it so much. Enjoy!

ps. feel free to experiment with this recipe too. I've heard good things about adding chili pepper, tahini paste, or cumin to the blend. I've also heard some people add peanut butter, but that's too adventurous for me.